06 February 2008

The Romney Rules: A campaign strategy for 2012

“…there was a special feeling in my heart when I realized that the three places Ann and I lived have all voted for us — Michigan, Massachusetts, and Utah.”

Mitt said it most clearly last night in claiming favorite son victories in all three of his home states. All the other candidates did just as well among their own hometown folk. Huck and Hillary won Arkansas, with Hillary adding the ol' Chappaqua family homestead in New York. McCain took Arizona. Obama won Illinois, Hawaii, and the ex-pats in Indonesia. Hillary did manage to lose her childhood home to the sitting Senator from Illinois, however, in the only contested hometown race.

Based on those results, I hereby officially announce my candidacy for the 2012 Republican nomination for president.

Why Republican? Simple political expediency. The winner-take-all primary format guarantees I win all the delegates from anywhere I once called home, and provides the clearest path to victory. (This proportional thing the Democrats are doing is much too confusing for me and the national media, and anything too complicated for the blown-dry hairpieces of mainstream journalism just isn’t shared with the public at large since we’re more easily entertained by Brittany Spears' underpants and cute photos of the world’s ugliest dog, which should not be confused as one in the same thing.)

Plus, Republican positions are much less complicated, more black ‘n’ white (literally) than are the nuanced and convoluted Democratic positions that no one ever quite understands. (See the prior parenthetical comments about complexibilityness in the national dialogue.) Simple is good in today's America.

So if you’re lookin’ to invest your future campaign contributions in a winning crusade, I’m the perfect national candidate. For the record, I’m only claiming hometown status in places I (or my parents) actually resided and had US Postal delivery.

Here’s the math:

Rhode Island

Humble birthplace

19 delegates



37 delegates


K-3 (and an early Cubs fan)

70 delegates


Grades 3-7 (Go Sox!) and 2 years workin’

43 delegates

New Jersey

Garden State Pkwy, Exit 142. Discovered the female vote.

52 delegates


High School amid the birth of the supermall

74 Delegates


3 years of college, a fundamentalist Christian college to boot

138 delegates

Washington DC

More college

19 delegates


Yet another college

46 delegates

New Mexico

A college degree (finally) + 12 years careering + wife + kids

32 delegates

South Dakota

A summer of workin’

26 delegates


2 summers of workin’

31 delegates


A winter of workin’

63 delegates


6 years now and growin’

172 delegates

By simply claiming favorite son status, I have 822 of the 1191 delegates necessary for victory before the race even begins. If I can pull in my wife’s home state of Florida (113 delegates), Maine where I’ve spent many a summer (20), and both Ohio (88) and Arizona (52) where I have deep family roots, I’m at 1063 committed delegates. Another 128 delegates shouldn’t be difficult considering my Obama-like charm, Hillarious intellect, Romneyesque good looks, and liberal use (though that may not be the proper Republican phraseology) of Huckabee’s holy bookcase in my campaign commercials.

So, attaining the Republican nomination won’t be an issue, especially now that being pro-choice, anti-Bush, anti-gun, anti-war,and of squishy religious beliefs are no longer screen-out factors. The same math guarantees an Electoral College victory in Nov 2012.

The bigger questions come as we slip into the lame duck years of my administration (which I hope come quickly since I’m not really interested in workin’ that hard) as to where to locate the Bob Flame presidential library and which of my former homes is designated Bob Flame Boyhood Home National Historic Site. Both of those questions, though, should provide ample opportunities for corporate fundraising graft as my tenure as your 45th president draws to a close.

A flawless plan, don’t you think?


Kym said...

" Brittany Spears underpants and cute photos of the world’s ugliest dog, which should not be confused as one in the same thing.)" I had to read that outloud to my oldest. He's still snickering in the next room. The whole post was great!

Ernie Branscomb said...

Gee Bob, you're a shoo-in. Can I be your secretary of state?

When I try ironic wit everyone takes me serious. You were being witty right... If not, I still want that secretary spot!

Bob Flame, Ranger said...

Ernie, we'd love to have you in the cabinet. We'll even leave the kiddie locks unhooked for you. Which state would you like to be secretary of? Denial? Confusion? Ecstasy? Delaware?

And Kym...jeez! The kids? If I'd known the kids'd be readin' this tripe, I'd've cleaned it up a tad.

Glad y'all are stopping by now and then, though. Makes the time writing worth the while.

Greg said...

Bob, you would be the perfect Republican nominee.

Bob Flame, Ranger said...

Yikes, Greg. I'm not sure how to take that. (Hopin' it's meant as ironically & sarcastically as the piece was written.)

Doesn't look like Romney's homeboy effect did much for his own campaign, however. Perhaps he just didn't live in enough places.

Greg said...

Well, I admit, "perfect" from my perspective, which is to want a Democrat to win.

Carol said...

Which town did you live in Massachusetts?

Bob Flame, Ranger said...

Thanks for clarifying, Greg. Wouldn't anyone misconstruin' my intentions.

Carol...I lived in Beverly, up on the north shore. My grandparents had a place in Duxbury on the south shore where I also spent a lot of time.

Carson Park Ranger said...

You'll need a wife with big hair, and a bunch of kids with big teeth as you announce your candidacy from the Nixon Library in Yorba Linda.

Bob Flame, Ranger said...

Knowing my wife, the big hair requirement would doom any shot I had at the nomination, more so than my obvious lack of any qualifying experience.